Neurodiversity Awareness/Appreciation

Neurodiversity Awareness/Appreciation

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Does Depression Have It's Icy Grip On Me?

At the movies, taking a break from feeling bad.
Sometimes it is hard to tell if I am going through depression or not. First of all, I am on antidepressant medication, so I SHOULDN'T be depressed, should I? Except, I'm not sure it works that way... it is probably not like the flu shot. I don't know. I'm not a scientist. All I know is, lately it has been HARD to do anything... even things I like. Just getting out of bed. When I wake up, I still feel tired, and if I didn't have to pee and feed Lily and Yoshi and the fish, I'd probably stay in bed all day. (Yoshi is particularly good at motivating me to feed her, because overnight she starts to waste away into nothing and is on the brink of starvation by morning... even though there is still food in her bowl from dinner...)  As it is, I get up, pee, feed my babies, and then get back into the safety of my bed with my soft blanket and my quilt.

Sometimes I will have made plans for something to do, like if I have to run some errands, or if there is something fun I could do. But then I cannot get out of bed. I am stuck like glue.

Sometimes I will make deals with myself... "Okay, all you have to do is, get a Dr. Pepper and watch TV. That is all. You like Dr. Pepper. This is good." Then, if I can do that, I will add something on... "I will go take Lily for a walk in the park, and then when I can come back I can take a nap." I actually love being outside, and if I could I would go to the river, but after being outside for a while my apartment sucks me back in like a gravitational force. I tell myself, "Tomorrow I will take Lily to the river." But then I think, "It is fall now and there won't be people at the river, so there might be coyotes or cougars or murderers!" And we don't go.

Sometimes I go on or Facebook Events and find all of these things I want to do, and I write them down... but when the day comes, I am too nervous to go. Even with Lily. Sometimes Lily makes it harder to go places, because I feel like these days people are always going be watching us and scrutinizing us, trying to decide if Lily is a real service dog or a fake service dog. She's real, but she's not always perfectly well-behaved... if there is food around, she will watch the food like a hawk and try to get as close to it as possible. Although she will not jump up and snatch it or anything like that... but still. She also has sore hips sometimes and doesn't always want to walk, so it looks like my "service dog" is putting her breaks on and refusing to move in the middle of the store. I could leave her behind, but then I feel like I have left my arm behind or something!

So mostly I just stay home.

I don't even enjoy talking to my mom on the phone as much. I miss her during the day and I can't wait until evening, which is when I usually call her... but then she's asking me what I did today, did I go somewhere,  did I cook for myself, did I do some cleaning, did I look for jobs, did I do some networking, remember everything is a networking opportunity, when will I be subbing, etc, etc, etc. Then I just want to fall asleep.

I stayed over at Auntie Em's and Uncle J's for the past few days because we were supposed to be babysitting my dog friend, Buddy. Our friend Phyllis busted her arm and had to go for surgery, plus Buddy had been sick, and Phyllis didn't want to leave him at home alone while she was away for surgery. So Lily and I stayed over at Auntie Em and Uncle J's, and Buddy came to stay over also. But in the morning he was doing really badly, he could barely move without pain, so Auntie Em and Uncle J took him to the emergency vet in Portland. And within a few hours they were telling us that he had a brain tumor. That was what had been causing him to get sicker and sicker. At this point he was in pain, and had gone blind. Phyllis had to wake up from surgery and find out that Buddy was in this situation. They decided to have him put to sleep. So there was that. Buddy was such a sweet, nice border collie, and he was a good friend. I loved going over to Phyllis's house because he would play with me, and sit on my lap and snuggle me, and lick my face. That morning before he was taken to the vet, I had gone into the bedroom and laid next to him, petting him and trying to comfort him, and he was so miserable but was gazing into my eyes and making a soft whining sound.

So I spent most of yesterday crying for Buddy. I cannot believe he is gone.

And there it is... more depression.

Today was a nice day because we went to my other uncle's house (he's in a family care home because he has Parkinson's Disease) and I saw his little kitty Dudley, and then I went with Auntie Em and Uncle J to see a movie. It was the fancy kind of movie theater where the seats rock and recline, and where you order snacks and they bring it to you. I had mud pie and popcorn. Then we had pizza when we got home. So it was a nice day... but as soon as I am alone, the sadness in the bottom of my stomach comes sneaking back out. It is like a constant battle. I don't know how to explain it.

So anyways... what was my point in writing this? I forget!


  1. Sounds familiar.

    There are a lot of things in there to be sad about, but yes - when we are NOT depressed we can handle them differently, get out of bed, etc.

    I hope you have all the support you need - we ALL need that sometimes!

    Thinking of you,
    Full Spectrum Mama

  2. That is a great point! Sometimes people confuse sadness with depression, but you offer a great explanation of the difference... when you're just sad, you can usually still function reasonably well. I do have support, but sometimes I tend to isolate myself... thank goodness I have my dog, cat and fish to give me something to focus on!


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