Hi everyone! Does it seem like I blog more frequently when I am upset? It is because I have to purge my brain. It is sort of like vomiting when you have food poisoning to get all the poison out!
Today I was talking to my mom and I was telling her that when I am worried or upset about something, it just stays in my mind at ALL times. For instance, for the past few days I've been feeling sad about leaving, and it is there in my head every single minute. I try all of my skills, like distracting myself with happier things (which does work to keep me from crying and help me stay a little more even) but in the background my brain is still thinking about it. I try to do self-coaching and think positive thoughts, but the sad thoughts are still there. They NEVER GO AWAY. It is like having a headache that you can't get rid of... you can ignore it for a while but it is still there, sometimes a huge pounding headache and sometimes just a little nagging pain, but always there with you, even while you're sleeping. My emotions also do come with physical pain... at their worst, I feel like my skin is burning and my chest is being stabbed with a knife. When they're weaker, it just feels like butterflies in my stomach and my heart pounding and having trouble breathing.
I always thought that everyone is like that, but my mom says she isn't. My mom said she can stop worrying or thinking about something. If she is sad about something she can just decide not to think about it.
I wondered how many people are like me and cannot stop thinking about something, and how many people are like my mom and can just put their worries aside when they want to.
This morning I just took my regular dose of medication when I got up, and I was fine until the Witching Hour... that's when I started feeling short of breath and panicky. I took another dose of my one medicine then, and I seemed to be okay for a while... I watched "Saw" with my parents and then two more movies with my mom. I also saw a movie at the theater today, which means I saw a total of 4 movies today! Anyway the extra dose worked for about 6 hours, but then as soon as my mom went to bed and I went upstairs, it came back on a medium level. I had done my laundry and was putting it away in my suitcase and then I just felt like my insides shattered like ice and I was crying, but I was crying silently so my parents wouldn't hear me and get annoyed. I am pretty good at crying silently and can make almost zero noise, but when it gets to its worse I can't control it at all.
Tomorrow is New Years Eve, which you obviously know and if you don't you will see it on Facebook and Google tomorrow. I want it to be a fun day because it will be my last day here, but I am worried my insides will be pouring out all day.
I think I will try my trick of taking my double dose first thing in the morning. But last time it still started to wear off at around 4, so I wonder if I could take a 3rd dose then. You can't really overdose on my kind of medicine. I mean you'd have to take a whole, whole, whole lot of it for it to make you sick or die or anything. It still isn't particularly a good thing to do because you're messing with your brain chemicals, but I have to weigh the pros and cons... if taking extra doses once in a while can help me survive my worst days, then it is worth it to me. If it means I don't have to feel like THIS.
It is also worth noting that even when my meds are working and I'm calm, the sad thoughts are still there, popping up every few seconds. I wish I could put them on mute!
I am looking forward to going back to Washington to see my aunt and uncle and Phylis and my kitten and Roo and Odie. If I did decide to not go back, then I would be sobbing because I miss THEM! It seems to be a no-win situation!