Sunday, January 10, 2016
What I Want
Auntie Em and Uncle J were on vacation while all that was going on, so they missed the worst of it. Our family friend PJ came over to help me out... she was the one who called 911 finally because I couldn't even stand up! She came over every day to check on me, and another friend came a few times too. It is nice to have a sort of community of people who can help you!
After being sick, things went downhill from there. I think Auntie Em and Uncle J got overwhelmed from worrying about me. The next day Auntie Em suggested that I go back to Illinois for a while.
I am already planning to go back to Illinois for a month or so to help my mom in March after she gets out of the hospital, because she's going to be recovering from stem cell chemo and she wanted my brother and I to come home and help her.
The problem is that I can't really commit to a full time job right now since I am planning to leave for the month of March. I can sub full time though, easily... in fact I was subbing full time for the past few weeks up until winter break, and the only reason I didn't sub all last week was because I was sick. DBT has helped me a lot with dealing with my anxiety and being able to tolerate it.
Of course I really wouldn't mind going back to Illinois for an extra month or so to be with my mom... except that I don't think my parents are going to see it that way. Auntie Em said she's going to talk to them about it. But I am almost certain they will say it has to be one way or another... they'll say Auntie Em can kick me out and I can go back to Illinois for the long term, or I can choose to go back to Illinois for the long term, but I cannot go back and forth. They'll say, "Coming back to Illinois for several months? But you won't have a car! You won't have a job! You need to get a job! Job job job job job job job job!"
What I am AFRAID will happen is that the decision will be made that I have to go back to Illinois... and I won't be able to come back for a long time. And I won't see Auntie Em or Uncle J or my new friends any more, and I won't get to have my fish anymore, and my fish will die and be flushed down the toilet, and Lily won't get to hike anymore, and I won't see the goats anymore, and Lily won't get to go to the river again, and we will just get stuck in Illinois forever. Illinois has a way of sucking you in and not letting you go.
What I WISH would happen is this...
1. I could stay here and keep subbing full time until my mom is ready for me to go to Illinois to help her.
2. But I can take a break and go visit Bro because he really wants me to and he is pissed at me right now for not jumping in my car and driving to California immediately.
3. I can stay in Illinois for as long as my mom wants or needs me to stay. Even if it is several months.
4. I can come back again even if it is just to sub for the rest of the school year, plus hopefully I will get my summer job again from last year. And still see my mom for part of the summer when I am not working.
5. I could get an apartment here. I wouldn't even mind living with a roommate for a while, IF I was the one who had the apartment first. In roommate situations I've had in the past, I was the one who moved into an already-established apartment, so I was pretty much just a room-renter and it was all of their furniture and decorations, and their rules. I had a roommate once who required me to be inside the apartment at 8:00 each night, because that was the time her 4-year-old son went to bed, and he wouldn't go to bed unless he thought everyone else in the apartment was also going to bed. I had roommates that drank and partied so much at night that it was impossible to go to sleep. I just want to be the one to put MY stuff in an apartment, have it be MY place, and then choose a roommate who could deal with MY life... instead of me having to be the one to slip in and out of the apartment like a ghost.
6. I could get a job for next school year. I think I could do it. The fall before I moved here, remember, I actually got two job offers and got hired for one, but I flipped out about moving and ended up having to bail on the job I'd accepted. But if I was already here, it would be a lot easier!
It is just hard having to miss my parents so much. It shouldn't be this hard because so far I've pretty much got to see them every 8 or 10 weeks or even more often. I will probably always be putting most of my "fun money" towards traveling to Chicago, instead of doing the types of things ordinary people do for fun like, I don't know, whatever people do?
Anyways I am just so tired. I wrote this post the other day but never published it because I thought it sounded too crazy: "Sorry for the lack of posts lately! I have been really sick and the whole week just went down the drain. I had to go to the hospital and everything. I am typing this on my phone because I don't have the energy or motivation to get out my laptop! But I just wanted to check in. Between missing my mom so much, and getting so sick, and other things, I feel like my heart and spirit have been crushed. I've disappointed the world lately including myself. I don't have any energy left. I miss my parents so much but I don't want to leave here, but I am unsure of how to survive. I feel like a plant that has been getting watered with Gatorade. I don't know why I thought of that. Typing on my phone feels weird. I am sad. Maybe it is just from being sick. Maybe it is from the medicine. Maybe it is from worrying about my mom. Maybe I am just homesick. Maybe it is all of the above. Maybe I am cuckoo. Sometimes I feel like I am in a nightmare because I don't like who I am, I don't like feeling bad, and the whole world seems like a scary and overwhelming place."
I think I am just in a messed up space right now. I feel like wherever I live, people end up getting tired of me and wanting me to go, and then I have to start looking for another place to belong. I am never going to belong in Illinois... I already burned up that state! (Metaphorically. I'm not some sort of arsonist. I didn't start the Chicago Fire. A cow did.) I don't want to leave everything behind again. It was so hard for me to move all the way here and leave my family. I don't want to give up and go back to Illinois and just live there until I die or until my parents decide to move.
I am tired and I am sad and I miss my mom and I need to sleep now.