Tuesday, April 21, 2015
My dad and I leave for Oregon tomorrow morning. But my mom has to stay overnight in the city tonight for her job, so I had to say goodbye to her this morning.
Morning is always a better time for me because for some reason my symptoms are pretty calm then. If you ever want to tell me something upsetting, you should either tell me first thing in the morning, orin the middle of the night. I was calm and didn't cry when I said goodbye to my mom. At the time I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I always feel calmer in the morning... it is something I have noticed before, and I just put two and two together again now.
I had a productive morning. I went to Target to refill my prescriptions and pick up some odds and ends, including important staples such as Dr. Pepper. I picked up my coat from the dry cleaner (it was getting the zipper repaired.) I filled up my car with gas. I vacuumed out my car and wiped the dashboard and steering wheel and stuff down with Lysol wipes. I took my dogs outside in the back yard for a long time, so that they could get some fresh air. I relaxed and read a magazine while they did dog things.
But then at around 4, I started to feel the tightness in my chest. In some ways I can compare it to throwing up... you know when you feel like you're going to throw up, but you really don't want to so you keep trying to fight it by thinking of other things, etc... and then eventually you feel so icky, you realize you are going to have to let it go, so you run to the bathroom and barf. And then you feel much better... for a while, until the next waves of nausea attack you.
So I was pretty much halfway up the basement stairs, with a laundry basket in my arms, when I couldn't hold it in any more. I started to cry. You have to understand, when I am overloaded I don't cry with quiet, lady-like sobs. When I am just normal sad, I actually cry silently, and you might not even realize I was crying until you look at me and see tears coming out. But when I have a meltdown, I cry the way little kids cry, loud and long. Like, "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Waaaah Waaaaaaaaaah! Oh noooooooooo! Waaaaaaaaah!" I'm sure it looks disgusting to see someone my age wailing like that.
And off an on all afternoon, I was like that. Meltdown. Feel better. Keep on packing. Stop for a meltdown. Feel better. Meltdown. Better. And I am home alone, so luckily there is nobody here to see me in my hour of shame.
Here is where my dogs go from being "pets" to being "emotional support animals" and "psychiatric service dogs." They both rushed over and tried to calm me by putting their paws on me. Trixie jumped around in circles the way she does when she wants to play. Lily just came and leaned against me.
I want to someday write a post about the difference between psychiatric service dogs and emotional support animals. Lily is a little bit of both. I have a letter from my therapist saying she is my emotional support animal, but she's also trained to help me deal with my anxiety and depression, so that makes her a psychiatric service dog. I mostly call her my emotional support dog because I don't want her to have to be perfectly behaved like most service dogs. For instance I want people to be able to pet her and I want her to get to be a dork like a regular dog. But when I get upset, she will always come over to me and make contact. She will lean against my side, or against my back, if I am sitting, or she will let me pick her up and hold her.
One funny thing about that, you know how sometimes you yell for no reason, like you might yell at the TV if something crazy happened on the show. When we were watching Breaking Bad and Gus slit that one guy's throat, I yelled, "Oh my God! Aaaaah!" Or when you are irritated at the computer because it keeps freezing, and you yell, "Come on, ya stupid thing!" You're not really upset upset. But Lily can't always tell the difference. So if I yell or seem angry because of a silly thing, she comes walking cautiously over to me, like, "Uh, are you okay?" And then I reassure her that I am fine, and she goes back to her usual dog business.
Trixie is not actually my dog at all, she is my parents' dog, but she does seem to act like an emotional support dog. I always wanted to let her be a therapy dog and visit hospitals and stuff, because she loves people so much and is so gentle. But I could never seem to make it happen. You have to take a lot of training classes and get some sort of Canine Good Citizen award, and I never had enough money or time to do all that.
Auntie Em was right, blogging is helping me to calm down! I am even calm enough to go read some other blogs! Maybe if I just keep on blogging until my dad comes home from work, I will be okay, and I can finish packing once he is home.
OK thanks for listening!
By the way, I still need 13 more people to take my survey!
Monday, April 20, 2015
|Playing Peek-a-boo with a baby helps them learn that things|
still exist, even when you can't see them!
The hardest thing right now is that, although I am not leaving until Wednesday morning, my mom has to stay in the city overnight for work tomorrow night, so I have to say goodbye to her tomorrow morning. I have to keep reminding myself that I will see her again, this summer at the latest!
There are two things that are helping me understand what I am going through right now. One is what my therapist, Julie, described to me the other day as "object permanence." Object permanence is something children learn when they are really young. The reason a baby cries when his mother leaves the room, or even when you hide his toy or something under a blanket, is because he doesn't realize that anything exists when he can't see it. In his mind, when his mother disappears around the corner, she literally disappears! Not that a baby consciously thinks, "Oh no, my mom is gone, and now I will have to fend for myself." But they just emotionally feel sad and anxious when their mother disappears. (Or another caregiver. Obviously babies love their dads too!) As the baby gets older and you play games like "Peekaboo" with him, he starts to realize that there is a whole world outside of his immediate line of vision. When his mother leaves the room, she still exists, but just in another room, and she will most likely be back soon.
I logically know that things do not disappear when I cannot see them. But I am kind of a sensory mess, and I process things largely through the sense of touch. You can tell this anytime you go into a clothing store with me. I have to touch every item, even when I have no interest in looking at it or buying it. I just need to feel the world around me. People tease me because I lie on the ground a lot, even outside, but this is just another way that I process the world. And when I am away, although I can picture home in my mind, even look at photos of my family members, when I am not able to touch the table, touch the floor, touch the soft red blanket on the chair in the living room, etc, some part of me feels like those things have stopped existing. And even though I can Skype, call, and text my family members who are behind in Chicago, if I am not in the room with them feeling their energy, it is not right.
Another thing that explains a lot is this article I saw on Facebook, 13 Things To Remember If You Love A Person With Anxiety. The whole article is relevant to me, but one paragraph really struck me as describing this situation:
9. They can find change difficult (even if it’s expected)
Everyone has a comfort zone, anxiety or not. Pushing that comfort zone can be difficult for even the most well-adjusted person, so for people with anxiety it can be even more challenging. This is not to be confused with the sentiment that those with anxiety dislike change or pushing their comfort zones, because they will likely thrive once they’re actually in the process of doing so. They can just find it a lot more difficult to bring themselves to do so.
The one relief people with anxiety tend to get from their anxiety is when they’re allowed to be in their place of comfort with nothing major changing around them. When they’re faced with a big change and uprooting, it can take them a lot longer to settle back down and establish that zone again. Just remember to have a little more patience and understanding for those with anxiety. They’re trying, they really are.This explains me a lot. For me, home is my comfort zone. Even if I go somewhere for a short while, like work or to the store, I am experiencing various levels of anxiety. When I get home from work, I often suddenly find myself extremely tired, or even falling asleep, even though I was wide awake all day. I think this is because during the day I am anxious, and when I get home I am exhausted from being "on guard" all day. Often when I am out of the house, I comfort myself by imagining one of my dogs walking with me, or my guardian angel cat Sammy-Joe sitting on my shoulder. This is why it is good for me to have an emotional support animal - Lily - because she is my mobile comfort zone.
I am excited to get to Oregon! But it is a huge change, and that is nerve wracking. It is helpful to know that there are reasons I'm feeling this way, and I'm not just weird!
OK. I have to go pack. I don't know when I will check in again... maybe from the road!
Saturday, April 18, 2015
|One of the mandalas I colored in my book!|
I haven't blogged for a while because I've been busy tying up all of the loose ends. I took as many subbing jobs as I could in the last two weeks so that I will be able to have a few paychecks coming to me! I took my car in to the mechanic for a trip check and got a clean bill of health, took it for it's mandatory emissions test, and paid my vehicle registration so that I won't get pulled over on my way to Oregon! I cleaned out my car and packed my clothes in garbage bags so that they will fit in the trunk and back seat. I cut my small dog's toenails and made plans to take her to the clinic to get her caught up on her immunizations. I went to equine therapy for what will be the last time at least until summer.
I also did something you might find odd. When I was younger... and I don't mean younger like a small child, but younger like 21... I used to love to color. I always had a large box of crayons and a coloring book, and when I was bored I would color. It was fun and relaxing. But my mom used to get irritable when she saw me coloring, because she thought it was childish and a waste of time, so I stopped.
Recently I went online and ordered some coloring books! Not just any ordinary coloring books... they are actually meant for adults or older kids, and have colorful and complicated designs instead of simple pictures. I also bought a 120 box of crayons! I love being able to smell the crayons, being able to arrange them by color in the little boxes, and of course the coloring part! Getting crayons and coloring books was a silly treat I gave myself.
|My 120 crayons sorted by color!|
Here are some things I am looking forward to...
- Getting to see my Auntie Em and Uncle J, and also getting to spend time with my cousin BT and his new husband before they move to Ecuador, and getting to see a lot of my other cousins at the wedding who I never, ever see!
- Going to some of the fun things I've found out about, like hula hoop lessons, drum circles, the autism camp I told you about earlier, etc.
- Hiking and teaching tiny Lily to hike!
- Getting to see my Bro and Sunny and Squeak!
Here are some of the things I am going to miss until I come back to Chicago...
- Going to places spontaneously with my mom such as the grocery store.
- Zombie running with my mom.
- Trixie sleeping in my bed.
-Watching TV with my parents.
- The familiar way my house smells and looks and sounds.
- The ghost that lives in my house.
- Being able to go visit my grandparents or my little cousins.
- Trixie Trixie Trixie! Leaving her is really the worst part. I feel like I am screwing up her whole world by leaving and taking Lily with me... she will feel like we abandoned her! That part is what makes me want to cry. I can always call or text my parents, but in Trixie's mind I will have just disappeared. Any ideas on how to help a dog through a life change like this?
The sound of the computer keys is really bothering my ears for some reason right now. I usually like it but my ears must be sensitive today. So I am going to stop typing for now! But I do want to say one more thing... don't forget to go take my blogaversary survey! I still need 13 more responses before I can publish the results. It is taking a lot longer to get responses this year, which I think has something to do with Facebook not giving everyone the feeds the way it used to... they want you to pay to "promote" your posts.
Okay, over and out for now!
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
|Maybe at summer camp I will meet my long lost twin!|
My last few posts have been a little frantic, but I have calmed down a little in the past few days. Being able to just focus on going to Oregon as a temporary and not necessarily permanent situation has helped a lot. I know I will feel better leaving here, if I can tell myself that I can come back, even for just a week or so this summer to regroup and reassess.
I've been doing some research to try to find ways that I can get "out of my shell" once I'm in Oregon. I've found a few things that are actually especially for people with autism and other special needs, that might be a good start... I can go out and do things and learn my way around Portland, without the pressure of having to try to pass for normal. My Auntie Em says people will be much more accepting there and I won't have to feel so self-conscious, but I'd still like to start in my own comfort zone. Here are some of the things I've found...
There is a Recreation Club that goes on outings or does other activities once or twice a month.
There is a place where you can sign up to go on outdoor adventures such as rafting, kayaking, etc, that are at a beginner level and where people with special needs are welcome.
There are a few Meetup groups for people with autism or Aspergers that meet once or twice a month
And... coolest of all... there is this weekend summer camp for people with autism spectrum disorders of all ages, including adults, and their family members and friends. It is four days long and you get to do all these camp activities and just get to be around others with autism and people who understand, You can rock and flap all you want and nobody will give you a second glance. There are adults and little kids and everyone in between. I so want to go there! This is in late August, and I definitely want to go... which sort of means I am already planning on being in Oregon in August, which proves that I do intend to stay in Portland, even if I do take a break back in Chicago some time this summer.
So yeah... so far, I am feeling confident about going out there, although it is still hard for me to say I am moving out there. I just say I am going out there. I know this is sort of playing a trick on myself, but you do what you gotta do!
In other news, I am delaying publishing the results of my reader survey, since I only have 6 responses so far. I think last year I left it up a lot longer and gave people a lot more reminders, and with this past weekend being Easter I don't think many people got the chance to see it. So I will leave this up until I get at least 24 responses, which is how many I had last year, and then I can compare! If you didn't take the survey yet, go here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/KBMFC52. It is quick, easy and anonymous! You can even skip the questions you don't feel like answering!
Okay, I am going to end this entry, because I am probably going to watch Breaking Bad with my parents for a while, followed by doing some more blog reading. I hope you have a good day!
Thursday, April 2, 2015
|I didn't know what picture to put here, so|
I put a baby monkey to make you smile!
Last year, for my Blogaversary, I posted a survey asking my readers some basic questions. 24 readers responded, and I posted the results with graphs! I learned some interesting statistics, like that most of my readers were females between the ages 26 and 35 or between 60 and 69. 80% of them had their own blogs, and 80% of them have dogs but only 10% had cats.
This year, I thought I would recreate the same survey, and then I can compare the results and see if they have changed over the past year. I know that I have more readers... for instance, I have 100 fans on my Facebook page!
This survey is really easy. It is 10 questions (that is all Surveymonkey will let me post without paying) and it is anonymous.
Even though my Blogaversary is Sunday, I know that a lot of you will be celebrating Easter this weekend. So, I will keep the survey up until Tuesday at 5 pm, and I will post the results on Wednesday.
Will you take the survey? Here is the link! https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/KBMFC52
Thanks, everyone! I can't wait to hear from you!