I am supposed to be moving to Oregon in 3 weeks, and panic is starting to set in!
I don't know what is wrong with me, but the anxiety has a tight hold on me. A week ago I was so excited thinking about going to Oregon, about my business plan, about everything else. But ever since the plans started to be finalized (which was yesterday) I've been in a panic attack.
Maybe you could help me by just lending your ear even though I know you readers, like all the people in my family, have heard this all from me before.
I feel like I have the flu. My skin feels too tight and my chest feels like there is a boulder sitting on it. My blood feels too hot. I feel like my heart has a fever. My throat hurts. My stomach feels like I've been stabbed. I have, um, lets say, an upset stomach that is manifesting itself in my rear end.
I took two extra Wellbutrin, which calmed me down enough to write this, enough to eat some dinner and watch TV with my mom. But I could barely choke down one fajita, couldn't even finish my Dr. Pepper. I could barely pay attention to the show even though it is my favorite. Even looking at or petting my small dog, something that usually calms me, is too much stimulation and makes me want to scream! Right now my dog is sitting behind me, which is good because her weight and warmth helps calm me, but I don't have to actually look at or touch her. (That makes me so sad to say. I love her more than anything! But seeing her right now makes me want to cry.)
What do I want? I don't fucking know! I know that a week ago all I wanted was to get to Oregon and start my business. But right now in this moment, if someone were to hold a gun to my head and tell me what I'm feeling, I would say, "I just want to stay here, don't make me leave, these walls are keeping me safe and this is my whole world and please let me just stay."
The situation became worse when my mom came home from work today and mentioned immediately that I need to start cleaning out my room, because although I am not bringing everything I own to Oregon right now (since I'll be staying with my Auntie Em) when I get a place and come back for the rest of my stuff, she will throw away whatever is left behind.
Maybe I belong just staying here. Maybe I should be happy just to be a substitute teacher forever, and live with my parents until the day I die.
My dad just came home and immediately started talking about the move, and I got a huge wave of sickness over me and I feel so hot like I am going to throw up!
I have to pretend everything is fine because otherwise my parents will be so mad at me. I just want to cry. I want someone to hug me (for once in my life I'd actually be happy for that) and let me cry and scream and melt down.
I want to go because of all of the good things I'd experience, but I don't want to leave. I want to stay so I can be near my parents, but then they will be angry and I will never have the chance to move again.
I want to be dead. Being on Earth hurts way too much. But I don't really want to be dead, because that would be like leaving also. I just want to feel safe. I just want someone to help me.
I think it would be good if I could just go on an experimental basis. I could go and stay with Auntie Em and sub until summer time, and see how things go. But no, it has to be a permanent decision, it has to be do or die, according to my parents. I cannot make my dad drive all the way to Oregon with me, just so I can turn around and go home.
I need to melt down but I cannot. I am exploding inside but trying to keep it all in,
One of two things will happen.
A. This feeling will pass, I will wake up tomorrow and the anxiety will be gone, and I can move on
B. This feeling will get worse and worse, it will snowball, for three weeks, until my brain liquifies itself and I die.
I can't even distract myself by playing Solitaire or Singing Monsters on my phone. I have to type this fast because if I slow down I will feel sick.
The thing about it all is, even if I have family members who love me, in the end I am really all alone, because nobody else has to feel what I am going through, nobody can take some of it and help me with it,
I can't even stop to look for a picture for this post because I can't concentrate that long. I am writing this off the top of my head which is why I am able to do it, but now I cannot sit still anymore, so I'm going to walk.
I wish someone could help me feel better.
I wish I could say, "Just let me go there and work for a few weeks. Let me bring my car there and work and make some friends and live like I live there, with the opportunity to come home at least for a few weeks in the summer, and let me decide then." Do I have the right to ask for that? Will they agree to it? I think I could really do this, they could just let me have a trial basis. Like holding my breath, jumping in, and seeing if I swim, with the possibility of grabbing onto the ladder and climbing out if I find that I am drowning.
For an autistic person I am pretty good at metaphors.
Starting to calm down now. See, talking to you really helps! Or maybe it is the Wellbutrin. It feels good for a minute to feel calm. I wish I knew how to make it last.