Lately I guess they are right. Here is why.
Lately when I wake up in the morning I have to have a long talk with myself to get myself out of bed. Sometimes I will tell myself I can "sleep just one more time," which means I will go back to sleep and as soon as I wake up again I will get out of bed. Except I might not wake up until noon.
To get myself out of bed I have to bargain with myself. I have to think of all the things I am supposed to do that day, and then negotiate. I'll be like, "Just get up and get dressed, and you don't have to take a shower today. Just get up. Just take that shirt and pants off the top of the clean laundry pile and put it on and put your sweatshirt on and you'll be all ready. Okay, you can run errands tomorrow. Today, just get up."
I have to think of something I actually want to do and promise that to myself. "If you get up, you can check your email, and maybe someone commented on your blog! If you get up, you can check if there is a new SVU recorded on the TV!"
And of course there is tiny little Lily. Although she would be happy to snuggle in bed with me all day, she needs to go outside, she needs to eat dog food, and she needs some time to run around and play with her little tennis ball!
Sometimes I have to bribe myself even to make lunch. "Make a sandwich and you can have a Dr. Pepper!"
So when my mom gets home, she sees that I have basically just stayed downstairs all day and used the computer and watched TV, while my room remains messy. She tells me I am so lazy.
I don't know how to explain that this isn't the real me. When I was student teaching, and when I was teaching summer school, I would come home from work and immediately get to work on planning and getting things ready for the next day. If you added up all the hours I worked on planning and preparation in addition to actually being at work, I easily worked 12 hours a day... enthusiastically! When I was a nanny, I would get up each morning, get the older kids ready for school, take them to school, come home, get the little one ready, take her out on some fun outing, come home, make her lunch, spend the afternoon doing games and projects and other activities, go pick up the big kids from school, supervise homework time, and clean the house, all before five o'clock rolled around. If I got a break... I usually let the little kid watch TV for a while after lunch to wind down, in lieu of a nap because she refused to take them anymore... I would spend it planning and preparing for future activities. Even when I first worked as a teacher's assistant, I would stay after work for an extra two or three hours each day, working on things I thought would help the little boy I worked with.
But I have to have something I'm passionate about. I have to have something to drive me.
I am definitely not passionate about cleaning my room. I am not passionate about subbing... it is okay, but it does nothing to get me out of my rut. I am passionate about writing in my blog, working on genealogy, arts and crafts, etc... but spending time doing those things counts, in
So on days when I don't have to sub (which is a lot lately) I will avoid doing things I enjoy because I don't want my mom to see that I've been wasting time on frivolous things... but I can't make myself do the few things she'd find as useful... so I end up just doing nothing, which means i am lazy.
It won't always be this way! Someday I will have a teaching job again, and I will have a real reason to get up every day, and I will feel deserving of doing the things I enjoy in my free time. But right now I just have nothing. And my parents just look at me with disdain for that. Disdain, I tell you! Did you ever have anyone think of you as a waste of space and oxygen?
Why am I even writing all this now? This is a sad post. But it is how I feel right now.