Tuesday, August 26, 2014
So I wasn't going to write anything about this for a while, but I guess now I will.
After my complete nervous breakdown and my failure to move to E-Town, I had come up with another plan... I would try again, but more slowly. I was going to continue to look for jobs in Oregon, and meanwhile spend some time visiting my Auntie M and cousin BT so that I could get to know the area better and get to know E-Town. At the time I had already realized I wasn't going to have the job I was supposed to have, but there was some glimmer of hope that let me think I could find another job in the same area... or maybe go back and apply to that same job after a year or so.
And then it seemed like God gave me another chance. The people from my would-be job called me up and said they thought I would be such a good fit, that they would be willing to hold the job for me even until December. They would have a substitute until then.
I got so excited! I told them, yes, please hold the job for me! I was planning to go to E-Town and look around, get to know the area, see some apartments for myself, and even stop by the school to meet people there. I thought I could move out there in early November. This way I'd be able to come home for Thanksgiving after only a few weeks, and then there would be winter break, and by then I would be more or less assimilated. I told my mom and my aunt... we all agreed that this was some sort of sign that E-town was where I was supposed to be. It was a second chance! I was thanking God! I was vowing that I was going to do it right this time!
I even started making lesson plans. So that I would be ready, when I got there. Starting the lesson plans helped me to get excited about the school. I had this great unit started, for November, which would lead into Thanksgiving... we were going to learn about children around the world. We were going to write about what kids like to do, eat, play with, etc, in the USA, and then read stories about what kids like to do in other countries and cultures, and learn some games, art projects, words in other languages, etc. I was going to have the kids choose a country and do little reports about what life was like in that country (with a lot of guidance for the kids who couldn't read or write that well yet) It would end with a small cultural fair where the kids could show off everything they had learned, made, and done. There would have been a lot of reading, writing, geography, and social studies, involved.
I thought of making a poster or a book of some sort about myself, to send to the school before I got there, so they could show the kids and the kids could get to know me. I was going to include pictures of my dogs and pictures of Chicago.
The principal sent me a text.
"I regret to inform you that we have decided to go in another direction with the teacher position and are withdrawing our offer. We wish you the best in your future endeavors."
That's it. No explanation, or anything. Just, cut off.
I know I have no business even being sad, because I was the one who decided to turn down the job in the first place. But it was because I was sick! Anxiety and depression are sicknesses, and when they attack, they attack. When they offered to hold the job, I thought it was proof that I was going to be okay. Proof that I could recover and keep going.
When I got the text, I cried. Harder than I even did when I was having straight anxiety attacks for three days in a row. I laid on my parents bed and screamed into a pillow with sobs that ravished my whole body.
I am lost. I lose.
I want to move to Oregon... I still do. And I really wanted to move to E-Town. I needed to do it more slowly than I tried to do it last week. As some people have pointed out to me, even a "normal" person could have had a nervous breakdown at the idea of having one week to find an apartment sight unseen, move across the country, and start a new job in a town they've never set foot in. And I've got Aspergers, dudes! We don't do well with changes... especially when we know almost nothing about those changes ahead of time!
I know I will go eventually. Except maybe not to E-Town, now Maybe not near B.T. And probably not until next school year... at which point I will be in the same traumatizing position of trying to find a job in some random town and then being able to just pick up and move there at a moment's notice. And what do I do until then? Sub for another year? I hate subbing. It makes me feel like a ghost.
When I think of that text, my whole body feels cold. I know it is my fault... I blew it. But then they gave me hope, only to rip it away from me in a sudden, cruel way. I wish I could take a break from existing. I feel hopeless and lost and alone.