|Me and Auntie M at the Oregon coast in September.|
My Auntie M made me a Shutterfly book with pictures from the two weeks I spent with her back in September. It is really cool, and it brings back all the good memories.
I've posted a lot about how I want to move out that way soon, but as of late I've been feeling a little nervous about it. The main thing that makes me nervous is knowing that I might be really homesick, for my parents and for my dog Trixie, who is really their dog and will stay behind with them. Then my mind starts spinning out all sorts of anxieties. I imagine myself alone and crying because I miss them. I imagine Trixie getting really sad and anxious because she misses me and Lily. I imagine someone burglarizing into whatever apartment I live in, and stealing Lily, while I am at work. Or a forest fire burning down my apartment building, with Lily in it, while I am at work. Or being out on a hike and a cougar stealing Lily and eating her. Then I imagine trying to take Lily on a plane ride, either to or from Oregon, and the plane starts to crash and the oxygen masks come down but they don't have oxygen masks for dogs, so I have to watch Lily suffocate.
My mind is a terrifying place sometimes.
One thing my most recent bout with depression taught me was that I should probably, definitely, get back on medication. It will help my mind stay more logical. I have an appointment with my doctor at the end of January.
But it also taught me that, even when I am not on medication, I am getting stronger. Because for a few days there after Sunny and Bro and Squeak left, I was in terrible condition. I could hardly focus my eyes without bursting into tears! I couldn't really enjoy anything, even our trip to the city to see the lights and stay in a hotel. I didn't want to hear any type of music because it made me sad. I didn't want to eat because eating made me cry. I didn't want to be home alone, or even in a room alone, for any amount of time. I didn't even want to glance at my Christmas presents. Sunny offered to Skype with me, but I was afraid that even seeing her and Squeak would make me burst into tears and I wouldn't be able to talk to her!
This lasted longer than my normal sadness lasts. Usually I can snap out of it within a day or so, but this grief stretched on for a week.
BUT... then I got better. I noticed myself singing again, laughing at stuff. I was able to help take down the Christmas decorations, without bawling. I was able to look at my Christmas presents and enjoy them. I was able to blog about stuff. I was able to reminisce about the fun times we had with Squeak and them, without bawling. I can even eat, drink, and sleep again!
So I learned that, if I do get homesick, the worst case scenario would be, I'll be really, really, really, really, really sad... for a few days. And that may repeat itself every single time I come back here to visit and then leave again. But with the help of medication, and with friends and family members out there to distract me, those feelings won't last long.
It also helps to remember that if I manage to move out there, it will be because I have a job waiting for me, and that will occupy my time and keep me busy. I won't just be sitting around with empty, lonely days stretching in front of me, the way I did after Christmas.
Plus, I can schedule regular visits back here. I could even come visit every 6 to 8 weeks! It would cost a lot of money, but I'll be making a lot more than I am now (which is zero) and I can get on some sort of frequent flier thingy so I could earn free trips. There are all sorts of possibilities.
My dad thinks I should just stay around here and wait until they move out that way... which will be anywhere from five years from now, to, um, never. I feel like I can't let my anxiety stand in the way of living my life.
Although I was originally planning to live somewhere between where my brother lives and where Auntie M lives, my dad also suggested that, if I do go, I live closer to Auntie M because she would be able to help me out emotionally more than my brother would... and I could still see Sunny and Squeak and them on a regular basis. Then after a year if I wanted to I could move closer to them. That sounds like a sound enough idea.
The steps I need to take are, as follows:
1. Get back on my meds so my brain chemicals can be straightened out
2. Transfer my teaching credentials to Oregon.
3. Start looking for a job.
4. Save up as much money as I can.
And now what I need to do is stop blogging and take an antihistamine! I am so sick of sneezing!