|I didn't really take many pictures of Squeak|
but I filched this one from a bigger picture
Sunny texted to me. My little Squeak... how
did I live without him before? How can I live without
On Christmas Eve, my parents and Bro and Sunny and I stayed up super late and played board games. We played Apples To Apples, which was a game I got from another of my uncles for Christmas. I won by a landslide... for some reason I am awesome at that game! Also we played Yahtzee, which I also won, even though I am not usually that great at it.
Then on Christmas, we stayed home and hung out in our pajamas all day long. We also played Scattergories, which Bro won, and Beatles Monopoly, which nobody won because it was going on forever and ever and Sunny had to keep getting up to go check on the baby and then we started taking pictures with fake mustaches on and totally forgot about the game and then Bro was reading the rules and found out we were playing it wrong anyways. And I got an ice cream maker for Christmas from my parents, and also a practice drum pad and drum sticks!
Yesterday, we went back to my Nona's house so Squeak could visit with my grandparents one more time. One of my aunts, two of my little cousins, and my great-aunt also showed up. Again, Squeak stole the show by being happy and chatty and smiley and huggy!
This morning, they all went back.
I cried all night last night, and all day today. I feel miserable. Everything I look at or do reminds me of little Squeak! I can't stand looking at the living room in the spot where his exersaucer used to be, or at the big box filled with Squeak's presents that we are going to mail out to them to save them from having to carry it on the plane, the spot where his high chair was, or the now-empty bedroom where he and Bro and Sunny slept. Even looking at the Christmas decorations in the living room makes me bawl, because they remind me of how much time we spent in there with Squeak and how he loved looking at the Christmas tree, and how we would spread his blanket out on the carpet and he would roll back and forth. He can't crawl yet, so rolling is his main source of transportation. Even playing with Small Dog makes me sad, because it reminds me of how I was playing with Small Dog the other day while holding Squeak in my arms, because I didn't want Small Dog to be jealous. (The best way to make sure dogs get along with babies is to try to keep giving the dog equal love even when the baby is around, so they don't see the baby as competition. That is my unprofessional opinion.)
I know it sounds sort of stupid because last time I blogged I was feeling sort of sad and left out and dejected. But the thing is, that was not because of Squeak. Babies never deject people! The only thing that could make me smile when I was sad (other than my dogs of course) was a smile from my little Squeak!
This brings me to a question. How do you control being sad? What I mean is, like this... I know my mom and dad are just as sad as me about Squeak leaving, since he is their grandson and all... but they haven't spent the day sitting on the floor with their sweatshirt hoods over their faces sobbing. In fact, my mom is the one who put away all of Squeak's stuff and got most of it out of sight. She is returning a lot of stuff they didn't use (like the baby sled we looked everywhere for and finally found at Meijer but never actually got to use because it was so cold out, and the snowsuit my mom searched everywhere for but Squeak never ended up wearing) and we have to return the crib we borrowed, and she is going to sell the exersaucer. And my dad has just been doing Dad stuff like reading or doing whatever it is he does in the basement. I am the only one who has been unfunctional!
The problem with me is I don't seem to have levels of sadness. When I am sad, my emotions knock me to my knees. Whether I am sad because my cat just died, someone has said something that hurts my feelings, or a visit with someone I love has ended, my heart cracks open like an egg and all my feelings come pouring out. For other people, your cat dying may make you bawl for days on end, but the end of a week-long visit with your family members might just make you feel a little sadness that you can easily move past. How do you do that? How can I learn that? I don't like feeling like this.
Anyway, I found out how I can post a video on this blog, and I am going to post my first "vlog" either on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, most likely. Or whenever else I get a chance to work on it while my parents aren't home to yell down the stairs, "Who are you talking to?" and mess the whole thing up. I may even make it a regular thing! If you have any questions or topics you'd like me to talk about, let me know.