|A rare moment of happiness while looking out the window|
of the Sears Tower!
I've pretty much realized that my sadness has crossed over into actual depression... not just the sort of mild depression before, but a serious episode. I've mentioned before that I have been off my antidepressant medication since October and had been considering staying off them, seeing if I could do it on my own. And I've discovered... probably not! Although things like support groups and art therapy may help me gain coping skills, I cannot control the chemicals in my brain.
I've decided my depression issue is a little like this... there is a button in your brain somewhere, and when something sad happens, the button gets pushed and all the sadness juice fills up your body. For most people in most situations, the sadness juice starts clearing up right away, and things like being with friends or getting back into a normal routine help get that sadness juice out of their system. For me, the button gets stuck pushed in, releasing more and more sadness juice, so even when I try to do things that should make me happy, the sad feelings keep coming back.
Here's an example. I was feeling so sad about Bro and Sunny and Squeak leaving. That is normal. Even though I display my sadness differently than my other family members, it was normal to be sad. I did get some temporary relief by going out to breakfast and then going shopping with my parents that morning, but the sadness juice kept pouring in and pouring in.
On Saturday my mom and I had something really fun planned. We went to the city with my Aunt B and two of my little cousins. We walked around the city and saw the lights, went inside Marshall Fields, and went to the Sears Tower, which I can never manage to call the Willis Tower because that just sounds stupid to me for some reason. We stayed overnight in a hotel. It was a lot of fun! And I was able to enjoy it a little bit... but that sadness juice kept leaking in more and more.
When I am taking my meds, a fun time like this would have really distracted me and helped me bounce back. I would have had a lot of fun, and came back smiling. But it didn't work.
On Sunday, while still with my aunt and the kids, we went shopping at IKEA, which is a store I enjoy. But by the time we were there, the sadness juice was starting to flood my whole system, and I could barely keep it together! I couldn't focus or enjoy myself at all. I had to focus on not crying. When we stopped and got something to eat (and you know I love going out to eat!) I could not eat more than a few bites... I felt like throwing up. The sadness juice was getting thicker and thicker. By the time we goto back to my house, I had to run immediately to the bathroom and have a serious crying jag! I cried silently into a towel so my cousins and everyone else wouldn't hear me, but it was pretty intense. In fact, after my cousins left, I had to keep going back to the bathroom for more crying spells. It was a little like having the stomach flu, but instead of puking I was crying... each time, I felt better for a while afterwards, until the feeling started coming back. The trip to the city seemed to have even made things worse, because now I was sad about being home and not being surrounded by my aunt and cousins!
Last night I took some Tylenol PM before bed, and distracted myself by watching a movie on my Kindle until I fell asleep, so I wouldn't be lying awake feeling sad. I really hoped that in the morning I would feel better. But when I woke up, there it was, that sad feeling that won't go away.
So what did I do? Common sense would tell me to call the doctor and get back on my meds as soon as possible. So I did call my doctor's office this morning. I found out that the earliest appointment is on January 28! I asked if I could get a refill of my medications, to last me until then. I was told this wasn't possible, since the doctor had already called in an extra refill for me right before I went to California in September. I guess they don't make money by calling in refills, do they?
If I had a primary physician, I could probably get an appointment with them and ask for an emergency prescription... but I don't, because I don't have health insurance. When I am sick I usually go to urgent care. So my next step was to call the urgent care place and ask them if it would be possible for a doctor there to write me a prescription to last me until my appointment. I was told, no, I would just be given a referall to a psychiatrist... despite the fact that I already have an appointment and just need my meds to last me until January 28!
I went on line and found a service where you can make an appointment with a doctor who will consult with you over the phone and possibly write you a prescription which could be filled at your local pharmacy. This seemed like a good solution to me. I signed up, payed $40 for an appointment, and was told the doctor would call me between noon and two-thirty today. As of right now it is 2:23 and no word from them, so of course this is going to cause a bunch of annoyance for me to try to call them back!
So... no meds for Angel. Things are looking dire. It seems as though medication should be a little easier to get your hands on, don't you think? I think it would be easier, and cheaper, for me to buy some crack, than to access my own prescription medication!
|This view from the Sears Tower was one of the few things that cheered me|