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Neurodiversity Awareness/Appreciation

Neurodiversity Awareness/Appreciation

Monday, November 4, 2013

This Is Not Dysfunctional At All, Is it? Nothing To See Here!

Hi everyone! So far I'm doing great at writing in my blog every day for NaBloPoMo! Are you proud? IS ANYONE EVEN READING THIS?

Anyways. I was thinking about something today, and I realized, in my life, I have generally been thought of in two ways. Either as a super responsible person who takes care of everyone, or as a super lazy and irresponsible person who does nothing. 

The super lazy and irresponsible person who does nothing is usually when I'm living with my mom. 

Everywhere else I've lived, I've really managed to step up when I needed to. For instance, I've often lived with people who had young children, and I always helped out with the children to whatever degree I needed to... from helping keep an eye on them while I'm home and occasionally babysitting, to taking the kids everywhere with me so the parents can relax at home, to taking over just about all duties of child care and house keeping, to actually raising children on a day-to-day basis because the parents are off doing drugs. Basically I'm the kind of person where, when I see a need, I want to help out and take care of everyone.

At my mom's house, one reason I have trouble being, by her definition, responsible, is because I don't see much of a need. There is nobody really depending on me. When I look around the house, I don't think, "I'd better vacuum and dust in here to help my mom out!" Because she keeps it pretty immaculate, That's kind of her thing.

So yesterday, remember how I mentioned that my dad walked to the hardware store and came back drunk? According to him, the hardware store was closed, so the next most sensible thing to him was go to a bar, and then another bar, and then the first bar again, and.,,, five hours later... yeah. Which isn't a big deal at all, because he's not a mean drunk or anything like that... he just listens to Beatles music too loudly and speaks unintelligibly. I may or may not have mentioned that my dad was an alcoholic for most of my life, and in that time made some stupid choices (such as driving drunk... a lot.) But to me that was just normal life, and really my mom took care of everything, so I never really thought of myself as a child of an alcoholic. Plus my dad quit drinking and joined AA when I was in middle school, and stayed sober for the next 21 years. (Until now!)

So this morning I noticed that the dish washer was completely full of dishes and nobody had run it in several days, so I turned it on, which I am fully capable of doing but sometimes don't like to do when my mom is at home because I might do something wrong (I don't know what, turn it to the wrong setting or some other unforgivable mistake.)

Then today when my dad got home from work, he said he was going to the store to get stuff for sandwiches. Okay, normal. And he came home with a ton of bread, and about a pound of turkey from the deli, but no cheese! NO CHEESE! 

That may not sound weird to you. But my family is a big sandwich eating family, and often on weekends or for dinner we will just go to the store and get the fixings for sandwiches. Nothing fancy... just Italian bread, lunch meat, and either muenster cheese or brick cheese. In my whole entire existence, a sandwich to me has always consisted of, at the barest, bread, mayo, meat, and cheese. But my dad forgot the cheese!

And a normal person would say, "Hmm, my dad forgot the cheese. Bummer." But if you are a dysfunctional person, you look at this incident, and you look at the dishwasher incident, and you review the hardware store incident, and you think to yourself, "It may be possible that my dad is not always going to be dependable in the near future. Are things going awry here? Is this a downward spiral? Should I brace for impact?" 

And then, if you are a truly dysfunctional person, you think, "I don't even mind if things go awry. It might be nice to be needed again."

And then you realize how sick and twisted it is to think that way, and you want to rewind your brain and unthink it.

And then you realize that, even if your dad went completely bananas, your mom would still make sure not to need you for anything. Because if you start being anything besides "The super lazy and irresponsible person who does nothing," that would be a big sign that the whole system has been thrown off. In fact, you're better off not even acknowledging that anything is wrong at all. Nothing to see here! 

Then you start daydreaming about how much longer until you move to Oregon.

2 comments :

  1. belive it oor not i can relate to lot of your story...in the past anyway ..and a bit now

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can relate too. I was a child of an alcoholic. There are two different people in that body. One that is not happy with what's going on in their life and the other one who is a completely normal responsible person. My dad loved me unconditionally and he really pissed us off when he got drunk. I hope that your dad will stay functional but if he's so unhappy there's the chance he may not be. I surely hope that's not the case. I would imagine that some of the things that you're struggling with with your mom are the same for him...just a different level. Does he feel less of a man because of your mom's behavior? Probably. You on the other hand are an extremely intelligent person who has skills that many people don't have...even if it's because of what you call dysfunction. I call it a gift. You can continue down your "responsible" side by by ignoring what others make you feel. Easier said than done I know. Keep the dream alive! ODD or was that ONN????

    ReplyDelete

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