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Neurodiversity Awareness/Appreciation

Neurodiversity Awareness/Appreciation

Monday, August 5, 2013

No Alien Left Behind!

This is kinda how I feel today! 
 I'm still trying to come up with something I'm happy about every single day in August, but today I'm having a difficult time with that because I am feeling bad. I think I will tell you about the bad stuff first, because to me its always better to end with the happy stuff. Right? Okay. 
So remember back in May I told you about how my brother and his girlfriend, who live in California, had a baby boy, and how my mom and I went out to see them when the baby was a few days old. So before we went there, my mom had been saying we would go out there in August, and after we spontaneously went there in May, my mom was still talking about going out there and seeing Squeak and my brother and sister-in-law again, and this time my dad would be able to take time off from work and go with. 
I assumed from the way she was talking, she meant I was going in August also. 
But apparently every time she mentioned "When we come back" or "Next time we're here" she was talking about herself and my dad, and not me. Because a few weeks ago when I asked, "When are we going back to California?" she replied, "Dad and I are going at the end of August." 
I was crushed. It was like being punched in the stomach. 
My mom said it was because she was running out of the free frequent flier miles she gets through her work, and she didn't want to waste them by spending more of them on me. 
So, I told her, I'd be glad to pay for my own airline ticket. I have plenty of money saved up from my summer school job. I wouldn't even have to stay in the hotel with them... my brother and sister-in-law had already said that I could stay with them at their house if I came. I just wanted to be able to go to California at the same time as my parents, so I could have the rare experience of being with my whole family at once. 
But my mom said, "I want to have a vacation with just me and Dad."
Which makes perfect sense. Except that they go on multiple vacations every year, just the two of them. And this time, it won't just be the two of them. It will be them, and my brother and sister-in-law and my nephew. My whole family together... but not me. 
My mom doesn't understand how hurt I am by this... by the fact that I'm not even welcome to go to California at the same time as her, even if I pay my own plane ticket and stay in a separate place from them. I really, really don't understand. We had fun together when we were in California in May. We had fun together when we all went to Hawaii in December. Why, this time, does she just want it to be everyone but me? 
My mom keeps reminding me that I can go to California by myself any time I want. She likes to say, "You're an adult." Like that makes a difference. I am planning to spin my way out to California eventually by myself, even if I have to take the Greyhound bus. If I don't get a job by September, I will probably go then. But when I think about how my whole nuclear family will be together having fun, enjoying spending time as a family with Squeak, while I sit home quietly by myself... It makes me want to be dead.

Okay. What am I happy about today? I am happy that I have a job interview for tomorrow. I am happy that I at least got started at cleaning all the summer school stuff out of my car and putting it away in my room. I am happy when I watch my little dog when she's still fast asleep in the morning, looking so peaceful like she's dreaming. I am happy I have a new book to read. I am still really happy I have this new computer! 

2 comments :

  1. You know what else you should be happy about? That you write so very well. Here you have two posts in a row (this one and the one about "pitties") that are really awesome and represent you so well. Like you, I often have a lot of emotions roiling around inside me. And like you, I frequently dump it all out in my blog. (There's a reason why "Depression" is one of the biggest words in my blog's label cloud.) We should consider ourselves lucky because we can expressive ourselves (and well, if I do say so myself) freely on blogspot. Think of all the poor bastards who don't have the safety valve of blogging that we do!

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    1. I totally agree... one of the reasons I love blogging is because it gives me away to organize and process all the chaos in my brain. I get in trouble sometimes for posting my true feelings, but I always end up going back to blogging no matter what. Its also a way for me to connect with other people, which I can't always do in "real life!"

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