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Neurodiversity Awareness/Appreciation

Neurodiversity Awareness/Appreciation

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Melancholy

This is me right now!
 I have always hated being alone. When I was a little kid, I didn't even like playing in my own room unless someone was at least on the same floor of the house with me. When I got a little older I could tolerate being alone on one floor of the house as long as someone was on the floor right below it. For instance I didn't like to be upstairs in my bedroom, if everyone else was in the basement, but it was okay if someone was on the main floor, in the living room or kitchen or something.
Now I can usually handle being alone in the house all of the time, on any floor. Night time still bothers me but I just turn on all the lights. I can stand this for one or two days in a row, if nobody else is home. But once it stretches into multiple days, or weeks, I start to go stir crazy!
It isn't that I'm afraid of being alone. Not exactly. It is the feeling of being alone that I hate... I feel like the air is closing in around me. Its the feeling of emptiness everywhere.
Having my dogs helps me a lot because they are a comfort to me and take away some of the emptiness. If I were completely alone without even any dogs, I would literally be throwing myself against the walls! (This really did happen once when I had my own apartment but no pets were allowed, and I was completely off my meds because I couldn't pay for them... I got so depressed and stir crazy I was pretty much crashing into walls just for the sensory feeling of it!) (I know. I'm weird.)
So remember how I was talking about my parents going to see my brother and sister-in-law and Squeak and all that? The time has come!
(I probably shouldn't be saying that in a blog... but I am not worried because my neighbors are cops and my other neighbors have vicious rottweilers and there is a trained ninja skunk in my backyard and they are all keeping an eye on the house!)
Last night I was so nervous, I couldn't even sleep. I stayed awake tossing and turning until about three in the morning, then passed out until five am, and I woke up then because my parents were getting ready to leave for their flight. I tossed and turned some more and then fell into a fitful sleep filled with really bizarre dreams, until I woke up at 9:30 and had to get ready for my volunteer job!
When I am going through depression and anxiety I have trouble doing normal things like eating or even reading, watching TV or using the computer! My anxiety was probably at around an 8 out of 10 after I came home from my volunteer job, and I could barely sit still... but I went outside with the dogs for a while, and I brought one of Small Dog's little tennis balls out to throw to her (although mostly she just kicks it around herself, because she is a really odd dog) and then I came in and made some macaroni and cheese, and ate while watching TV, and now I am using the computer... so I guess now my anxiety is down to about a 5!
Wow, this is a really boring blog post, isn't it? Hopefully I'll have a more interesting topic for tomorrow! 
As for the Happiness Challenge... I am happy I volunteered today and got to spend the day with a cool little rat terrier named Rickles, I am happy that I bought some new shelves to try to help organize my room a little, I am happy it was nice and sunny and hot out today, I am happy my dogs are here with me, and I am happy that I will probably fall asleep early tonight and feel better in the morning! 

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